Spy in July: The Blofeld Trilogy

Where we last left James Bond, he'd dispatched of SPECTRE's second-in-command—Largo—in 1965's Thunderball. But he was no closer to taking down the organization's top dog than he was at the beginning of Dr. No. That all changes in You Only Live Twice, which "kills" Bond before it sends him to Japan and marries him off. Also, it sucks.

You Only Live Twice isn't quite the worst Bond film, but it's Connery's worst by a country mile. The plot involves pitting the U.S. against the Soviet Union using a giant spacecraft that swallows up smaller ones belonging to the world's two superpowers. The idea, I guess, is that the conflict between the two nations over this series of incidents will devolve into nuclear war, which would, in turn, allow another power to rule the world—SPECTRE. Of course, none of it makes any sense. Because space was the thing in the 1960s (and the 1970s, what with Star Wars), you see a tendency for Bond films of this time to loop in the space race, even if it's just tangentially. It's almost never elegant and always drags down the quality of the film it's incorporated into.

That could be forgivable if the rest of You Only Live Twice was coherent and interesting, but this film just isn't. "Killing" Bond in the opening scene feels stupid, as we know full well the man isn't dead. Then, he goes off to Japan, which is a great setting, but what he does there is dumb and at least a little racist. In order to get closer to Blofeld's volcano lair (yes, volcano lair), he "becomes" Japanese and marries a woman from a local village. Becoming Japanese apparently means a new hairstyle and an eye job. It's crazy dumb. And though Bond actually marries the lovely (but less-than-charismatic) Kissy Suzuki, she's completely disregarded once the credits begin rolling. Bond films are inherently a little chauvinistic, but this is a new low.

But things improve greatly two years later when Connery (who sleepwalked his way through You Only Live Twice) exits the series. On Her Majesty's Secret Service is Australian model George Lazenby's first and last time playing Bond, but don't let that soil your opinion of the film. It's exceptional—one of the series' best (sounding like a broken record at this point, but it's true).

"OHMSS" is one of the longest Bond films, but for good reason. In addition to providing a generally compelling narrative, Bond also falls in love. Now, the power of this love and eventual marriage is a little diluted after his last relationship petered out so silently, but take just one look at Lazenby's Bond and Diana Rigg's Tracy together, and you'll know this is something different, something real.

It's a pairing for the ages and because so much of it develops over the film's first third, we're already locked in when director Peter R. Hunt asks us to follow Bond's more ridiculous pursuits. He doesn't go to space in this film, which is appreciated. Instead, Blofeld's plot is to control the world via agriculture. That's not so bad, actually, but his relationship with Bond is absurd and nearly derails the entire film.

Lazenby is generally hated on by most connoisseurs (and, I suspect, the general public at the time the film came out), but he's adequate in the role. And Telly Savalas is the best of three Blofelds (more on that later). The problem between the two happens early in the film. Before the title sequence, and after Bond dispatches a pair of villains, he remarks: "This never happened to the other fellow." It's supposed to be a witty wink at the audience, and maybe it worked in its day, but today, with franchise after franchise swapping out leading men and women, it strikes an odd chord. It's a nod that's actually essential to the way the rest of the film plays out (to get close to Blofeld, Bond pretends to be someone else), but that doesn't make it any better. The guy has the same name as Connery's character, and his relationships with those around him don't change. Then, when Connery returns in Diamonds Are Forever, he picks up the loose threads left behind at the end of "OHMSS". Though I really like this film, its writers ask way too much of its audience. I'd recommend "OHMSS" to anyone for the tender love story, quality action sequences, and genuinely suspenseful escape scenes, but Bond's most believable adventure it is not.

I'm unfortunately going to have to spoil the ending of "OHMSS" because its conclusion plays so heavily into Diamonds Are Forever. Though Blofeld is presumed dead, he shows up with his real fraulein of a sidekick, Irma Bunt, to crash the joyful start to Bond and Tracy's honeymoon. With a semi-automatic in tow, they open fire on the just-married couple, shocking Bond and killing his wife. It's a truly tragic ending to a major franchise motion picture—something unheard of nowadays, but just another reason why "OHMSS" is so good.

Diamonds Are Forever opens with a Bond out for blood. He moves from city to city in search of his nemesis, only to track him down in a lab where he's attempting to clone himself. Bond arrives just in time and drowns the megalomaniac is a pool of boiling goo (umm, OK?). Blofeld is dead. It's time to move on...

Or is it? After the title sequence, Diamonds Are Forever starts out very simply. Bond goes to Amsterdam in search of some smuggled diamonds. He meets the mysterious—and curvaceous—Tiffany Case (a very solid Bond girl played by Jill St. John), and poses as smuggler extraordinaire Peter Graves. But the deeper he gets into this diamond plot the more it stinks. Bond (still under the guise of Graves) is nearly killed when he arrives at his next destination—Las Vegas. And his investigation ultimately leads him to the reclusive billionaire Willard Whyte.

But Whyte's involvement is just smoke and mirrors. Bond is shocked to find not one, but two Blofelds hiding in Whyte's penthouse suite. It's one of my favorite Bond tropes—the villain switcheroo. It's nice seeing our hero with the wool pulled over his eyes, but Diamonds Are Forever's surprise (if you don't know it's coming, that is...sorry!) is one of the series' best.

Another infrequent part of the Bond formula I love is when he impersonates another. Bond seems to be at his smarmiest when he's operating under the guise of an alias. You saw this a bit in "OHMSS", but Diamonds Are Forever's irreverent tone means Connery can totally chomp down on this sort of material not once, but twice. In addition to playing Peter Graves, Bond also impersonates Klaus Hergesheimer (of Section G fame!), in one of the series earliest and most inspired bits of pure farce. Yes, plenty of people will pooh-pooh stuff like this (and this film, in general) because it leads to a period of utter lunacy in the Bond world, but when done well, I'll always stick up for "silly Bond." That's Diamonds Are Forever.

I deliberately avoided discussing the connective tissue between these three films as much as possible until this point because Blofeld is such an enormous part of Bond legend, and the different actors who portray him all offer up something unique. Donald Pleasence gets the first crack at playing Blofeld, and he's probably the one you'd most immediately recognize in the role, if for no other reason than he's the prototype for Dr. Evil. I won't blame Pleasence for the character's failures because I think he's poorly conceived of by the filmmakers, but his exit is just another plus for "OHMSS". Telly Savalas is both more brutal and more refined. He's seeking to become a legitimate Count (a little depth never hurt anyone), yet his kicks and punches hit Lazenby's Bond hard. It's good stuff. In Diamonds Are Forever, the character regresses in the hands of Charles Gray, who's only real modification on what Pleasence offered is a full head of hair. Thankfully, even two (out of three) weak performances by actors playing this infamous character don't take away from his mystique; Blofeld is a great addition to the series.

It's a confusing time for Bond, as the next film in the series, Live and Let Die, marks the fourth in a row with a different actor in the lead role than the film before it. Not only that, but we've also seen the first "unofficial" Bond film—1967's Casino Royale (a spoof starring David Niven as 007). And tonally, things are changing drastically.

With that, here are my ratings for the three-pack discussed in this post:
You Only Live Twice—Stirred
On Her Majesty's Secret Service—Shaken
Diamonds Are Forever—Shaken

THE END

OF

"THE BLOFELD TRILOGY"

JOHN GILPATRICK WILL RETURN

in

"LIVE AND LET LAUGH"